I'm all over this place.
I'm in blogs, twitter accounts, chat, audiobooks, translations. It's like I don't want to be seen completely in a single light, on a single page. Like I don't want to be known, but still need to say things here and there. Like I'm afraid that anyone might see me completely, as whole, and then realize I'm not that awesome and then I have to do an acrobatic yoga pose or flash a boob.
Fuck this existential dip.
Come on, what does it all matter? Who cares? And why would I want to be remembered in the first place?
Don't all things pass?
Those parts that have been scattered had to be vomited out because I didn't, and I still don't want to be stuck. I loathe being stuck in love, lust, labor, hate, anger, word counts. Dammit. I still think my internet selves and work are shit, because they don't make out the real me. These internet selves are not who I am, or what matters.
I write myself out. I expulse myself in words and bytes and bullshit, so that by the time we meet, by the time the things that matter do happen, we can quietly simmer in the afterglow of things well done and fucking well said.
See if it still matters then. See what will remain between us in that smooth, uninterrupted wholesomeness then.
To readers it's not scattering what you do, but creating a jig saw puzzle for readers to solve.
ReplyDeleteLike essays, short stories, poems and novels (like Primo Levi for instance wrote) are very, very 20th century, "Blogs, twitter accounts, chat, audiobooks" are the very, very 21st century way of expressing.
A real writer's can't escape this or her fate. ;D
(-_-)
ReplyDeleteI have been afraid of losing and forgetting my pieces. I forgot that it's okay to lose parts of ourselves, because that's how we room for new things to take place, isn't it?
So thank you, Coles; for strengthening my faith in the unknown and reconfirming my submission to the flow, again.
*Namaste*
Being online is a real dilemma. It's really hard to figure out a person's character from his/her different online personalities. And it becomes more serious, when you cannot understand or relate to your own online personalities.
ReplyDeleteWhat is in the bits and bytes of the Internet that makes us different? Are we really different? Or may be these different personalities are the real genuine us and we are only beautifying them in real life?
Saad,
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm with my friends, I'm Hning and Angsar, the happy go lucky duck. When I'm with my parents I'm Yaya, the difficult-but-working-on-it-and-trying-to-be-respectful child. When I'm with siblings or teaching, I'm Mistress Alia MaamYesMaam.
I think that we all have different personas depending on the social demands of that situation. The different situations bring out different sides of our personality. And though these social masks may be totally one from another, there is an integral core that glues these sides together and keeping them from splitting into a disorder.
I think our internet profiles on each site are like the socials masks we wear depending on the situation. You on Facebook may speak differently than you on Twitter (if only for the 140 character limit). I use profanity in my blog, but have less choice of words when I'm translating.
But on whatever site we go to and whatever mask/nickname we use, there is always that same Saad and Alia doing all the work. And if we looked long enough, and put these personalities together, we'll find that we all the same needs and fears and hopes.
And that's what you've reminded me of. To accept the sides of my personality, my different roles on every site, and remember that what's true is only God and that as long that our intent is serve Him, whatever consequence may come will be in His Name too.
That's an awesome thought you've given me, Saad. Thank you and إنشاء الله يزيد في حسناتك.
Amen.
All the small smatterings, they make one whole. I think if anything, it gives the readers (and yourself!) a chance to see the different sides of you, each on its own.
ReplyDeleteNessie,
ReplyDeleteI hope I don't give the impression that I'm so megalomaniac to think that any of my dropping should matter too much.
Allowing them their chance to take form separate from my person, however, does help me figure out hot to dispose of them before I welcome newer things in my life.
And if the crows haven't eaten the crumbs I've left behind, I might take cursory nostalgic glances at them. ^_^
We're not whole because we're fixed beings, Nessie. We're whole because we are in constant cycle between elements broken off and added into us. Aren't we?