“Tell your friend a lie. If he keeps it secret, then tell him the truth.” ~ Proverb
What is it about identity that makes it so sacred? What is it that makes “being known” so fearful and obtrusive to our privacy? Why do we insist on “you don’t know shit about me”? Why do people say “I know you” with conceit? And why are we often find ourselves defensive when someone says that to us?
I once had a friend who was so possessive with his secrets that it filled him with dismay knowing that I kept very little to myself. He said something about “devaluing my identity” since everybody has a piece of it. I rolled my eyes at that. I guess I wasn’t so valuable for him then.
And what is it about wedding invitations in Saudi where the groom’s name is mentioned, and not the bride? Wedding invites in Saudi usually say something like “Fulan bin Fulan is to be married to the daughter of Fulan bin Fulan.”
Furthermore, why is the bride in Islamic wedding ceremony never asked her opinion? Why is it necessary for the Wali to speak on her behalf? Isn’t marriage a business between man and woman, not between man and the woman’s father?
Now, back to that thing about being known, yes, so I do realize that there is a matter of safety in keeping parts of our identity mysterious. But I’m talking about intimate relationships. The stuff we have with our parents and lovers and spouses and children. Why do we keep secrets from the people we love? Why the inherent fear that people would take advantage of our secrets in doing us harm?
Is it just so vulgar to have our secrets exposed, our movements predicted and our dreams obvious?
15 afterthinkers:
There's nothing wrong with keeping secrets, I guess. It's fun and thrilling, though at times sinning...Haha
But I think what makes this life full of surprises is an abundant supply of secrets, mysteries, and the like. Suppose everyone discloses their secrets and we can easily read their minds, there might not be people like Freud who bothered to study humans' psyche, or my unknown Javanese ancestors who invented Primbon after having conducted enormously meticulous research on how Javanese people lead their life to the fullest (some consider it a collection of myths but there might be some truth in it)
^_^ sorry rambling..
Back at work, I asked a friend after suspecting that he spent long time on phone calls: are you in love with someone? He resisted telling me and said that he wouldn't say that at all, for fear of people making fun of him all the time... Yes, people can be immature and inconsiderate in dealing with others' soft sides... but there are always few people around a person where he/ she can drop the guard...
Very good question(s).
A close friend once told me that we shouldn't think of pride so much when it comes to close relationships (with family, friends, lovers. Yes, it's Pride, the reason we hold our secrets so close) and that we shouldn't think things like: "I feel so humiliated because I trusted them with my secrets", since most of the time, no one's watching.
What's there to be humiliated about?
We keep secrets because they are emergency ammunition. It's for those moments when you can say, "Fuck you, you don't know me."
here's another thought about secrecy: it's like playing cards. don't show them all, but drop them one by one.
why a woman in cheongsam dress looks so sexy?
yup, cheongsam hv slits high to waist/hip to expose their beautiful legs. not bare naked. but it's so damn sexy and mysterious. so little exposure that makes you wanted more.
why?
it's all about perception. imagination.
and perception sometimes bigger than reality.
how so?
coz people only hear what they want to hear, only see what they want to see. feel what they want to feel. AND it's all about perception. just ask the tarot reader or 'tukang ramal' wannabe hehe :))
ok, why?
again, truth (sometimes) hurts. especially when you drops all the bombs at once :)
nothing wrong with keeping secrets,there's always something nice about coming off as mysterious sometimes.
I am of the opinion that we don't have to expose everything to everyone, since the more they know,the more easier it is for them to harm you and your loved ones.
Akhlis, yes, you rambled. But I enjoyed it. Mysteries are there to stir and shake our curiosity, keep us moving and seeking answers. The world would make an uninteresting place to live in had we known everything about it, wouldn't it?
Hala, is it just me or is it NOT in our fault that lovebirds are so easy to bully? Sue my inconsiderate immaturity; but PDAs (Public Displays of Affection) are disgusting and it begins with him using office facilities to facilitate his move.
That said, it's very rare that I hear of an unpoliticized PDA, you know what I mean?
Diana, So if you don't have much pride, you don't get humiliated a lot? How is it that humblest folks are the hardest to humiliate, then?
Iskyd, and precieved secrets are a marketer's playground, yes?
Coral, I'll keep your secrets if you keep mine. (◕‿-)
Safety might be one factor, but I guess people keep their secret, even if it's just a tiny bit, because we are-as a human being-are feeling consistently but naturally insecure. It is part of our defensive nature, as such we kept a mindset, that if someone who is really close, really cared and really loved hurts us, catch us off guard, and ripped off everything that we shared, we still have at least something, no matter how small, a lil bit of ourself to hang on, and that no one can take it away.
And it's this tiny litle secret that we kept, that makes us believe that we are not totally vulnerable, that we have an opportunity to recover, that we have a future lies ahead, because no matter what happened, we still have something to start over.
I think in more general and deliberate manner, it's the sameway people separate their work and personal life.
Or maybe, that's just me...
hi my friend.. u have nice blog.. i'll follow u.. ^_^
Do we only love expecting to be loved back and protected? Does everyone get into the business of loving with the intent to - one day, in one way or another - hurt each other? Does any of this reflect on the way that we love each other these days, Rihan?
Hello and welcome to my blog, Randy Hawai. May you enjoy your stay.
Alia,
"Do we only love expecting to be loved back and protected?" No, we're not pouring love 'only' because we expect same thing in return, but yes, we hope that our love get something in return.
"Does everyone get into the business of loving with the intent to..." No it doesn't and I don't think most people have that intention, but we are all human being, self perseverance is in our nature, consciously or unconsciouly. Keeping secret is just one of it.
I would think that the only person who is capable of surendering their love unconditionally is probably a Prophet, a Saint and Parents.
I've never love someone with total surrender and unconditionally, and I dont think I am capable to do so, until I have my own son and daughters. Are you ?
So unconditional love is beyond the reach of ordinary people like you and me?
As sad and as pathetic my answer would be, I have to say yes.
you know, unconditional love is possible, only when you learn what it really is! I like Kay Kuzma's concept of "love cups". She theorizes that each of us is actually a cup, and life is a matter of filling and emptying love cups, also because so many of us have experienced emptying and being emptied more than filling and being filled, we have this mangled notion of what love is.
I have experienced unconditional love, but the feeling's too much profound for explanation. I hope the day comes when all of us will experience having our love cups filled!
Coralbead. Somehow, I still pragmatist about you experiencing uncoditional love, but who am I to judge :) I hope, the time will come for me to experience such love.
@ rihan: it took me quite a while to realize it, and like you I didn't believe in it until there came a time that I felt it! Hope you find it too!
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