X-rated: For the boys

     
 
HNING'S DISCLAIMER NOTE:
I didn't write this, I swear. A guy friend of mine wrote it for me and we thought that you might enjoy reading from a male intellect's perspective. [Why is it the stuff between the legs that gets these men going?!]

The article is both crude and wickedly funny, while being disproportionately, chauvinistically HONEST.
Which is exactly why people like me write about female orgasms before having a guy crashing his honest input.

Which is why both men and women should be considerate with their bodies in terms of sexuality, and everything else. Ain't nobody's gonna take care of it if you don't.

Have fun, play safe.




Responding to the 25 tips written earlier, the following is a sex rant written by a caveman for all cavemen everywhere. All you Politically Correct maggots can stop reading now. Girls can peek but I doubt that anything will come out of it (pun intended).

As a note:
“You” in this writing means a guy. I’m not even gonna bother to address gay issues (Go write your own rant!)
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CRITICISM ON THE ORIGINAL 25 TIPS:
We (Indonesians, I presume) are NOT “generally sexually uptight”. Repressed? Yes, but uptight? No. We just don’t talk/write much about sex. We just “do” it. It wasn’t always like this (as centuries-old local erotica like Serat Centhini proved) but the condition evolves alongside modernism.

Everyone’s turning prudish early 20th century in order to either be more like the REALLY uptight Dutch colonial masters (Yet, look at them now!) or be more like the puritans (various early ulama and missionaries).

Thank God for TV and the porn industry!
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GENERAL RULES:
In order for a guy to reach orgasm:
  • Guys must feel safe.

  • Secure is better.

  • Don't expect too many fireworks when the girl talks too much about long-term commitments, family, kids and other attached turn-offs (REAL one-night-stands are most welcome). That’s the main reason (some) guys prefer pros. Safety and certainty in professional behavior and all that.

  • Oh, also, always wear condoms! Married or not.

  • Love is a bonus. Despite what girls like to promote, empirical evidence proved that (time and again) lack of love CAN be substituted with the presence of lots of money.

  • Contentedness depends on whether the love (or money) given is worth it.

  • Gentleness is a girl thing. Frankly, too much foreplay tickles a guy (literally). Men tend to think in military terms. Hence, only one mood is expected: surrender.

  • If she loves you, she'll let you do whatever that pleases you.

  • No man is man enough (in the eyes of other men) if he’s too hung up on making his girl happy.

  • Quickies always work, and they're NOT overrated.

  • Clear from clutter, at least an hour later.

  • Cleanliness is nice and all, but if girls expect men to hurry up in dabbing tissues without enough time to savor the post-orgasmic feelings (usually by a bit of sleep), then she can clean it herself.
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25 QUICKIES TO CONSIDER:
In the order of the original 25 tips:
  1. Size DOES matter. Some girls’ equipment are too cavernous due to overuse (or genetic). If there are extra gaps to fill, don’t hesitate to either use technology or simply swap with younger girls.

  2. Avoid her mouth and hands. It may lead to unintended intimacy, which (as most guys should know) is akin to making most-likely-will-be-unfulfilled-long-term-promises. You WILL live to regret it.

  3. Repeat this always: Guys DO NOT make mistakes in bed, honest or not. Everything guys do are intentional. (So what if she complained that you plugged the wrong hole?)

  4. Speaking of which:
    • a) Talking helps HER so let her yak while you keep peacefully quiet pretending to listen.

    • b) Honesty is the best policy, especially if you’re looking for an exit strategy. Just tell her she sucks in bed and you’re home clean and guilt-free.

    • c) The best conversations may occur after an orgasm, but often silence is preferable for guys. If you wanted serious talk, stick to lunch, dinners or CNN.

  5. Be vague. "Ooh, like that" or “Yeah baby” are favourites. They don’t require you to think in the middle of an emotionally charged event.

  6. Don't ask for it. Demand it. Always. Often. Remember: if you nag, eventually, you’ll get it.

  7. Reading helps, but porn videos are better.

  8. Immediate application after reading (or watching) is highly recommended. So do it together.

  9. Letting out noises are okay but only to a certain decibels. Shrieking and screaming are not okay, especially if they have the potential to draw attention from the authorities (or worse, can be used as testimonial evidence for legal cases).

  10. Listen to the girl carefully. "Ouch" means you need more lubricant.

  11. Keep “faking it” out of your ego and equations. Who cares if she’s faking as long as you’re not.

  12. Insist that girl(s) masturbates in front of you. It saves you a lot of your own energy.

  13. Always consult a physician before using any chemicals (oils, jell-o, veggies, etc).

  14. Be prepared to have an open mind: Experiment but at your own time. During showtime, guys only want to see results.

  15. Equipments can be costly but often necessary. Use cheap everyday items whenever possible (i.e. ice cubes, cucumbers, pingpong bat).

  16. Don't stop before you reach your target.

  17. Kiss and caress every part of her skin. You might stumble onto her highly sensitive area. It’s worth the egg hunt.

  18. Tighten your buttocks; because it strengthens your penile muscles.

  19. Keep a good grip on her hips. It’s curved (and called handles) for a reason.

  20. Be clean. You don’t want to walk around in stained shirt or pants afterwards.

  21. Monogamy and consistent partnership are possessive female propaganda, who often confuses sex with relationships. Sexual experience quality is conditioned to the frequency of exposure. Monogamy (literally putting all your eggs in one basket), by definition, curbs exposure. If you have a monogamous relationship, then your partner should not complain about quality, especially if you’re not getting it much throughout the relationship.

  22. Marriage may give less restraint, but so do professionals (with the right amount of compensation, of course). Legality has its advantages as well as disadvantages. Hint: Think of marriages as tax havens.

  23. Keep trying. Sex is quantitatively good for your health regardless of quality.

  24. Orgasms are the climax of sexual intercourse but it’s just a little part of the benefits of a relationship so don’t expect too much out of it.

  25. Like it or not, frequency of orgasms is an important measure of a relationship. If you got it with a girl but not with another, you can bet on which one will make you happier in the future.

How do you know how good an orgasm she's had?
Clue: WHO CARES? A woman’s body is her own business. You just take care of your own. In the end, sex is just another transaction you made in life.


 
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