Let's Not Be Friends: 9 Reasons Why I Wouldn't Want to See You Anymore

     
 

Imagine planning an intimate brunch with the people you adore. On top of the guest list is your BFF, your emergency contact, your uncle, your idols. They are the people you can really let your hair down with, which is why beer and pizza can be the only items on the menu; because sobriety and class aren't required in their presence.

This list is about the people who did not make it to the invitation shortlist, much less should they ever see you with your hair down. Anymore, at least. See if you recognize anyone you know.

Conflict of Interest
  • We hate each other's guts.
  • This is self-explanatory. Where does the idea of being friends fit if all we do is scheme for each other's miserable deaths?

  • We love each other too much.
  • So much that it's unhealthy. Maybe we just got out of a passionate relationship and we need to reassess our lives, a serious task that cannot be done if I can't hear my thoughts with you howling mournfully at the moon in the background.

  • We've broken up and your new lover is psychotic.
  • We keep nice and sparsely stay in touch because we have mutual friends and common interests. I'm sure you love your new companion, and the fact that she's psychotic says volumes about me and my taste in men, so I won't dwell on that. Yet, if on the rare occasions that I'm forced to contact you is going to cut me a customized voodoo doll, either you guys work it out or I vote for my kidneys and liver and stay out of your ways.

Cease Fire Area
  • We work together.
  • Truth be told, Ally McBeal had to press involuntary vomiting every time she had to sit with her colleagues after work. Professionalism doesn't seem to sit right with Friendliness, or even Nice. Even if we're of equal levels. We might be friends outside the work environment, but within the office campus? I'll see you later. Post-retirement kinda later.

  • We live together.
  • In order for any house to remain standing, it has to have its bills paid, occupants cleaned, voices muffled, and odd smells subdued. It's easier if we come from the same living standards, but if one of us is an elf and the other is an anal junk-collector, we need to talk. Either that we straighten up and draw imaginary lines, or that one of us goes back to the kennel.

  • We feed off each other's bad habits.
  • When was the last time we were sober together? We have each other's drug dealers on speed dial. Hanging out with me triggers your smoking habit. Sure, Jack (Daniels) loves company, but new habits need new friends. I'd very much like not to OD again this week, hence, we'll stay off each other's backs for a while, until further moments of relapse and withdrawal occur. Maybe.

Hot Zone
  • We're too different.
  • The proverb said: "Opposites attract, oddballs don't". You're a hardcore capitalist, whereas I'm a grassroot community hugger: You speaketh not my language. You enjoyeth not my food. You liketh not my place. You brought your onenightstand and did it in my room?! OUT!

  • We're too alike.
  • It's like being in a "Friends" episode rerun every time we meet; fun for the first couple of times, but mind-numbing after too many repeats. We dress alike, read the same books, love the same men, fight over the same last roll of weed. Most of the time we spend together is filled with arguments about what's mine and what's yours, and who owes the booker how much.

  • We're related.
  • Ha! This is one day going to backfire at you a bit, whichever way you do it. Which is exactly why they're never invited for brunch. You know the relatives (or in-laws) who make you cringe every time you're about to see them? The fact that they're your relatives is the only explanation why it's so hard for them to get off your case and not judge. Nobody's supposed to be better than other if they share the same genes, right? Kinda like my thing for my brother's success, but without the dark humor and insight.

With that cleared up, we can all be friends again. So let's get this brunch going, shall we?
 
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