I have not written in such a long time that I feel that I need to reintroduce myself here.
So, hello, reader. My name is Alia Makki, and my internet alter-ego is Hning Swara. The reason why I'm better known as Hning is because I used to be shy about my identity, when the main reason I was online was to flaunt my antisocial behavior and flirt with mortality, leading to paranoid explosion of hurting my family's reputation.
Nowadays, I'm still antisocial, just less flaunty about it because I'm too busy to care what strangers think about me. Besides, my family know me pretty well, and I'm don't need to test their love anymore. At least not by acting out on them.
I've been wondering why I work and think and go through such experiences that nobody else needs to go through to validate their existence, which led me to the discovery of "Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder", or ADHD for short, and explained a whole lot about why I keep losing things, can't stay focused for more than 2 minutes at a time, have so many checklists, am a compulsive writer, am severely underachieving, can't finish projects, and can't hold jobs, places, men or memories without writing it all down. Writing it all down. Like this.
[fukc with self-diagnosis! –intentional misspelling there]
And that's why I'm blogging again.
That's why you're reading this. Because I'm trying to explain myself again. To you.
Writing is a method of self-talk; a way of practicing presenting bad news to loved ones that you disagree/have ADHD/plan to get married to somebody who nobody likes/retire among goats and buffaloes in a farm while writing yet another list of things that you're about to do.
You'd see me writing when I feel that hell is about to break loose and that all the pillars that hold the world upright – even Sandaran Hati* - are about to abandon me.
You know that moment when you look up and see the sky shake with storm and fury? When you realize and brace yourself for whatever is coming ahead of you and there's nothing else that you can do but breathe through it all?
And you wonder how come He's just grinning at you from beyond the clouds.
Sandaran Hati: the nickname means: "Where the heart rests."